Walkabout ... A Circular walk through the avenue of trees and more ...

certainly walked the highways byways footpaths lanes parks and more today ... set out through the town centre picking up an iced tea ...walking alongside our Asda  ... crossed the busy, busy road and sat a while in park 1 ... 

After absorbing my anxiety I set off again by the Catholic Church down to Bonney Way and walking by the home I lived in for a few months while the home was sorted ...down and across the top of North View into the Park ... skirting the perimeter and wading through the firework paper remnants from the night before.

Again sitting on a bench to calm my nerves ... to do the next stage ... of walking down through the avenue of trees by the school from Swanley Park into Hextable ... by now it had started to drizzle 

Walking along this lane into the village was not good on my nose ... diesel, tyre smells, and and again when I sat on the next bench the stench of doggy doos ... people must have used the general bin to dispose of ... this ... 

I carried onto the main road noticing the difference in the quality of hedgerows to other places I have walked, the pollution had ruined it a tad ... this route passed by the village hall ... where our daughter took part in the panto ... for many years whilst growing up ... 

The last part of the circular route  ... took me down the back of the homes along the footpaths back into Swanley ... stopping off in the Asda supermarket to get some nice bread ... and using the wi-fi for a blog entry ... then padded home for some refreshments ...  hoping to improve the appetite and sleep again ...

Tomorrow I plan to do something ... I have not done since 2013  ... when I was first visiting my late husbands resting place ... and my cousin first helped me with ... 

Fireworks on a Friday ...

Mid Evening

The Finale

a good enticement to go out ... and with daughter's encouragement did so ... and was well rewarded with the atmosphere, a red sky at night and culminating in the firework display lighting up the sky with an array of colour ... the noise was loud ... but none of the eerie whistles that some fireworks make as they take off ... 

I have seen the park now in all seasons ... enjoyed an open air cinema experience, and the fireworks ... both this park in the summer and the rec on Bonfire night ... 

2015

Have some plans to get out...

For much needed air... There is an avenue of trees alongside the school and trying to remember where things are and where the tap lessons took place...conflicts cloud some of the clarity of prior events before that time... And I still aim for those tentative plans too and wander around the heritage centre and lanes around the park here and the adjoining village... On the way to the church and pub too whether that will be today or over two days... Then settle in for the evening...watching a good film 

A balance with clearing too and functions and the task with health and paperwork and studies too

Finally ...

went out this evening ... still unable to shake off this low mood but went up the shop just before shift change ... which means only I know as always ... self aware ... good I have ... 

If you go after the shift change the eyes follow you ... that happened before my  isolation .... it is assumed you don't go out because of this ... not so in my case ... I was able to sit anywhere for any length of time and no-one challenged me as to why I was there ...  in those early days before I moved back home ... those three months in a different environment ... extraordinary times ... 

It happens because they think you are silly for not being at home tucked up in bed at that time of night  .... 

Friday 21-8-15 - Wednesday 26-8-15 did not venture out ... since Friday evening ... 

...finally went out Wednesday ... in the evening before shift change in the supermarket when all the pallets thunder out of the stores onto the floors ...

I have seen the world ...

... virtually today .. will try tomorrow to go further ... I have remembered more places to maybe visit ... student budget until my life turns round ... in no hurry ...  life is now simpler and less fuss ... I have seen many homes and would be nice to live off nature in the woods but aware leaving when no longer able to keep it up ... it is getting the balance right ... 

I have to go out now ...

went to see what I could entice myself to eat ... and ended up making another bin to put out which will freak me out as cluttering up the floor space ... 

And I didn't eat ... did make a drink ... 

I slipped badly today ... did not get on the bus to computer class even though I was ready ... so I will need to make extra effort to go out ... or it will slip into too many days ....

And work up an appetite ... although it is good for me I still need nutrition or become unwell again ...

Friday evening into the Weekend through Monday

not ventured out not even to the bin store ... not to get bus money for Tuesday ... so the task now is to get my bag ready ... back to study days and get focused ... and be a tad earlier in getting out ... unless I replaced my emergency money ... plenty to do and focus ... but to be bothered ... the fact you feel better like going for a walk or swim reminds me not to succumb ...

Sunday ... that are of now ... from then ... since when ...

Of old ... a traditional day of going to church in Sunday best or uniform for the in-laws ... until circumstances became us and disintegrated into what is today ... not ventured out since Friday evening ... and still as I was since that time ... although tidied and functioned of sorts in what was to become and cos hubby was to succumb to events ... it can be hard to this day from to carry on at times ... with what witnessed from one fall ... to one winter's day ... 

Thankfully I am getting occupied constructively instead of staring into space 

Boundaries of time ...

... although I went shopping the evening before to free up today more ...

This is an example of how I did not venture out today ... the boundaries of time that still gets lost to this day ... coupled at times with forgetting ...


However I did notice the weather today ... It was sunny first thing ...

Did get some of the necessary shopping done ... this evening ...

despite the horrendous blackness shadowing me today ... keeps tomorrow a bit more free  ... for attempting the walk to the village and having a drink ... daughter awaiting patiently for photos from London too ... she knows I will do it eventually ... as I do ... do what I say ... just sometimes takes a bit longer these days ... in the twists and turns of functioning in this lost of world I now am in ...

Yesterday ...

Didn't even think about going out ....

On waking I just splashed water on my face ... just pulled my hair together in a scunchie and tried to function ... thankfully kept yesterday simple as special days blur into normal  .... 

That is how it became boundaries of time disappears ... that has been a hard one to recover on ...

I didn't eat until late afternoon ... I have not changed ... from the day before ... I am wearing a nice ... universal outfit ... we adapted to in those final days ... 

So my task tomorrow is to function ... have a much needed bath to get rid of odour etc and it is the weekly keep on top of current paperwork time ... but also utility top up meter time .... I better not let that slip .... 

And work from there ... need to get out to do those tasks ... plus get at least to the graveside and check all is well ...

Back to the present ....

This will be my second day in this week at this rate ... but even I notice that is getting better ... trouble is even a decade down the line of living here ... I still miss my back door and particularly for 15 years worth of a lovely stable style back door .... perfect to bolt the bottom across .... when raising a young child with the river just yards from your home ... and particularly the back door ...

Those first few Weeks of being outside after being enclosed inside ... I am still not able to write about as of yet ... if ever ...

so fast forward from the first few weeks a bit ... back from now ... I remember falling all over the place ... landing in someones lap on the bus ... good job they were weighty like me ... otherwise I would have squished them ... 

On another occasion ... a kind stranger checked my leg and escorted me back to my temporary accommodation after I fell over rather badly in the street ...

Living social excluded from life ... from the stigma that still exists towards mental health and being shunned because of the ulcer smell made a difficult situation already horrendous ... much worse ... 

... I have heard so much since about this ... I am a naturally empathetic person ... no two situation is the same and it is not an exact science ... nor can the comments be exact either on the matter ...  that have since come my way ... 

Words will never fully express my appreciation to those who never judged us in my recovery since 

Adjusting to being not only outside and re-building my strength after lack of nutrition in the final times with my husband ... but being like a fish out of water out of my environment ... and the struggles of adapting to noise light and people in the outside world and talking machines and electronic advances ... among the timelessness of other elements ....

This is now part of my life ...

... two attempts to try to go out the door .... walk to the station that is not far from my home and board a train to the centre of London that happens not to be too far away ... for a bit of time in a city I lived and worked for two years of my early twenties ... 

I will still be trying as after the celebrating of another birthday without my late hubby ... they were plans to adapt to and leading up to the Autumn it will be a year since my late father too passed away  ... one sunny Autumn Tuesday morning ... in 2014 ...

This will keep me occupied with re-learning the art of planning a day out especially in unfamiliar or changed areas ... a lot has changed in that outside world that so eluded me for a while ... which I will elaborate on as this evolves ...

I am charting this for so many different reasons ... to raise awareness ... therapeutic to see these feelings portrayed through the different media I;m using and learning to touch type at the same time ... to boot ...

I have already unlocked and unleashed suppressed creativity from my complex way of life that came to be ...

On the Week My Late Hubby would have been ... 50 ...

... I made tentative plans to celebrate the birth of life of another unique life that we all bring here on this planet of ours we all share ... as we weave in and out of each others lives ... 

Unfortunately he is no longer here to enjoy this ... another birthday with us ... but that does not mean we cannot celebrate in our own way ... we are all different and because we lost so much time in living with such complexities that came our way ... not by choice ...  it is my way of coming to grips with the legacy left in this unusual time I now find myself in ... 

This unusual living style ... left me with a fear of lost time that passed by outside the one and only door to this home ... not even a choice of doors to walk through ....

Follow if you so will ... on this journal ... how I have adapted to life beyond that door now and since the end of the year of 2012 and literally the start of a very new life at the start of 

A Very New Year since 2013 ... to the Summer and beyond of 2015