A robust

walk up to the store, finally this dark evening, a start on the much required groceries etc. I did forget and not bother with some as is usual at times.. It is a tad dizzy in me health currently. A start on the meals planned though. The array of new products after the store revamp still getting accustomed to like everyone. The evening shop at a time when commuters were passing through ... 

Attempt in kindness

to thyself today ... The spirit of that feel in letting down thy hubby feeling .... to no... we are all individuals .... he was the one who decided to not be there for the life there still was left in the twirls of OCD mind off on to semi self destruct mode  .... and the look back on the achievements back in thy own life ..... 

And now to try and finally get those groceries and top ups in all areas ...

... time Not out ...

I was enveloped in hibernation mode. The natures way of preparing me for the embattled in thy abode! I hope to do what was supposed to be done today, tomorrow ... 

A Time Out

tends to achieve more, though easier said. The market day, today can pack up early. The route today is adjusted from much to just maybe the one shop. I will spread the errands over the rest of the week for I have hibernated a tad! 

This legacy on my skin infections need some fresh air to waft over me. The change of scenery this year alone good too in getting a life. 

I need heights of life outside again. The easier access. And that will come from a town nestled in a valley on the estuary. A hill walk up to the views of the moors at the tip of town. I see it differently than to those who are there. And the only way to see something's is to get there myself. 

The catalyst

in fatal. I will have a look maybe to see when my last steps out were? The days and nights do but merge in the depths of the abode. Tomorrow I require the hoard in replenishing the used supplies. I have not dipped into those emergency ones yet. 

I do not intend to. The day the monies go in and out on the monthly bit of the budget. And then again on the end of the week. And the monthly supplies are in need. 

The flow of items needed in clean and clear en masse ... 

The importance of

feeling love in care ... I just having a warm filling basic meal ... The pitiful time in ignorance of basic needs. The sight some saw and still walked away .... once some seasons since now. but still painfully etched in thy memory ... 

How did we eat? wash? do laundry? Social interaction? uttered not on many lips. 

Friday in Folly

despite the deepest of mood deeps. I went out to get a good mood meal. I hope to repeat that today. A good pump round of the blood flow to those saddest depths within. The work out of movement within what cannot be seen. And sometimes not even felt 

... A day away ...

to correspond with the world. The next bout towards the week end. The month end too. The Remember this day churning out the memories to remind in the haste and haze of toooo much ... 

Attempt in a daily

dose even on duvet days in movement once more ... A glimpse out of life again, of the Orient express. The orange and black of all things hallow, the twinkle in radiance of the indulgent season to come. A time in an enclosed shopping mall of all things very much seasonal. The feelings in sparkle and dull.  

The time I sit back and see the ridiculous scenarios of much want in no need. The happiness of true gifting peeps out in some. The couple in mature choosing the crackers for the table yesterday. A lovely setting in scenario.

I do struggle with Christmas now. That is natural. For the day my husband died, was right bang in the season when minds supposed to look after others were elsewhere in that diffendence of fesitivities to feast in greed ... and overdulgence. I was a ramshackle of my former self. One Christmas. One time. Another time indeed. 

The sands of time now in last season of better will and this,  I am finally able to enjoy it again with others, and away from here to boot. Last year in a beautiful welcoming home of another new family in our lives for a daughter ... up North. 

And a Mum this year, knowing a daughter in a new home in peace of the first season in this home, up the North of England where I will spend some of advent this time. I will span four areas in homes and many counties in anticipation and a proposed diamond wedding anniversary near the anniversary of both a robbery and death approaching the festivities ... that should certainly take my mind off the impending time. I will now probably be with others this season though the most of advent and into the New year. A time that used to be so. 

Though I have become a selfish lone person in this time alone. We laugh at how I have adapted. 

Two Trips

for the one mistaken product to exchange. The work out in glitches today. It gave me plenty to learn. And twice as many steps taken today. Therefore not all frustrating. 

I only hope that tomorrow, I am not chasing up yet again for the problem dealt with from the financial year time eight seasons back? 

Another semi sunny

day a brief out in the neighbourhood. The kept to the required shopping and ideas and back again ... The onslaught of rid of life still within a home. The bring in up to date with what I require and less of the other excess we can carry through life ... 

The hoard making me into a declutter freakish time ... The not keep... I will get in time of need... the scurry and flurry ... where others are not in a hurry 

A wide circular

walk in steps of record ... the data shows the days in limbo loud and clear. The conflicts noticed by big brother in silent only to me. 

All around is life indifferent to me while I go about or not. I am in the twilight zone of living both lives as part of a couple and of a single person. The view out in experience of both. 

The early days when people went back to their lives without a backward glance. The hideous thoughtlessness of much. Crisis pass a little on .. those that said they aged that day. The shared silence of those that did look back 

The embaressed father today again, when his young son peeped through the letterbox. I happened to be passing at that moment. So I peeped back out. One does not always get one, with what one now does. I do not mind, I am free of a lot of burdens now. And hope to be even more so one day. Where once was worry, it goes in the wind... 

The new worries do hinder much in conflict. I embrace the tomes in times when they do not 

I too am transported back to when we have no qualms once as children once upon time to ask, do or investigate ...  although I am childlike in moments or feel like a teenage I do feel conflicted and or confused at times  ... 

Another ... Another ... Another

Monday ... in October in a turbulent year

The time in more than life cycles of deaths births weddings and celebrations in all spectrums ... An October again with much to celebrate at and already with a rare photo of a sister in recent years with blowing out her candles ... 

And now settling in for another period of time in delving in, the  distractions and distributing items every which way you probably can't think of unless attempting to assist in such mounds of moving one self. 

When things are not contained, shifted and tidied on a regular basis becomes impossible to catch up. A Dads philosophy of much in dealing and keeping on top of life and dealing with problems to my sister and I under his nurture and guidance as we grew ... 

All went out the window and non exstance bath water for a while 

When complex needs came in ... and society went against us ... 

One may not

have been out since I have been back ... One still travelled far in the mind and into a world beyond. The distance travelled in these days back, feels as far as the trip back here in distant. 

The words in mix, the mind in churn. The journey far in plans. The process of ... you are mow friends, the online chat, the face time, the real time chat, the purchase of an item, all without leaving the home, stated as such already in media adverts, in other people's words on articles show how isolated we could generally become anyway, though actually we are not. There is social isolation and social isolation. The could be and the actually feel of hugs and sloppy kisses of others now a distant memory but so too not. The much in happen more positive than in a while. 

The long road still ahead before the total enlightenment 

The emergency supplies

in use not for the icy conditions when the countries goods and food supplies do not reach the links from source to the shop shelf ... Not when the weather in extremes of the tarmac melting and water demand on the shelves sell out ... Not because there is a curfew on public disorder because of impending doom ... Not because I am snowed in ... 

It is for time in my internal transition after much when I struggle with the demands on me in the misunderstanding of me and myself of a time trapped in the disarray of another's 

Any anyway what is interpreted for some ... for me I am icy in bitter ... hot in the turblance of a whirlwind of life rushing by, while my life is in slo mo ... My doom imploded ... And I can get snowed under with the crumbling decay of damp dusty musty ... Still around in parts virtual and real 

The influx of

much anew old on the senses that needs special attention... The heal in soothe of the attempts of outside life ... 

The air and movement in simple walk of exercise a godsend after the encumbering lack of air and movement on Maslows hierarchy of fundamental requirements... 

The transition of readiness in the preps of food in meals and hygiene on returning from the sensations both good and bad to process in ... the times in need of being alone to quell the overwhelming beyond comprehension times I get in feel of less numbness after so much bereavement in loss of things as well as structures. It goes without saying the loss of key people in ones life as norm. The abnormal in living in an extended life store room of another's complex OCD of life in stress depression into hoard and physical derelict in determining deterioration and beyond that death in part of a life still as raw as it was then ...