Summer through ...

... Halloween in September 2015

Halloween in September
Consumerism
And as relenting as Christmas now; since I been away from the world! 

Summer Fireworks in Swanley Park 

Summer Array of Floral Displays 2015

This is my intermittent log of getting out to enjoy the seasonal delights. Among the days I do not venture even to the bin store.  Floral Displays to Fireworks that we indirectly pay for ... not entirely free. From nature to the Halloween consumerism. The fact we are not even in October yet and catching the youngsters ... who all stopped to admire the deliberate and well placed Halloween display of goodies to entice, and sell as you enter the store ... which will annoy some parents... 

That Last Thursday until ...

Monday afternoon ... not ventured out yet, not even just outside or to the bin stores ....

However, I have opened the half empty kitchen cupboard, that was moved to install the upgraded gas boiler, and all those infernal pipes to others; to me the kitchen is now warmer and cosier with the heat radiating off these pipes.

My cousin originally emptied the cupboard for me, them I semi refilled it to clear the mess it made for I could not stand it. Thus the gas engineers cleared this and put it all back at start of the works. I had missed the original appointment to move said cupboard. All this happened on moving back in, originally the upgrade was going to be installed before I moved back in, while I was in temporary accommodation for a few months when the home was being de-cluttered ... this  would have been so much easier ... without me to deal with as well, so newly grieved at the time and only working on automatic pilot with what I could achieve, at the time not that much, due to the fact I had, had a serious crush injury that was still healing ... and had flooded the home by this time and the MP had to be involved in getting the promised gas boiler upgrade.

TIME LINE brief ... so much happened ... besides ...

• Jan-March end ... in Temp Accommodation for clear of clutter, repairs and gas upgrade...
• April ... home flooded
• June ... Thumb accident
• July ... Finally nearly 5 months after said .... Upgraded gas boiler installation 

But such is life ... 

This cupboard being moved from a lovely convenient area, needs to be re-arranged to have items not used so often. It is not in such a convenient spot; but still a most useful streamlined space area although now in a different context. It is a case of finally, re-planning this space. 

Being in such a muddle in my mind also ... until trying to start somewhere, finally, now I have the time for myself. I am hoping for things to start to fall into place. I will be working out the best use of the cupboard this week (I hope). It has been half empty for too long and needs to function to give the rest of the kitchen counters a rest, from the items that should be in the cupboards by now.

This is the conflicts of living with hoarding; I am only just coming to terms with the fact my home will stay how I now organise it and not be bothered with the complexities that are no more.

The work triangle of the kitchen has always functioned, since moving back in ... (I am fortunate to have a reasonable size kitchen).

I just need it to be fully functional, with them stuffing up the pantry, with the items from the clear ... that no-one realised the task of overwhelming problems ... I have been left with ... and just no longer interested in stuff and sometimes life ... to do anything in this home. At that time, and more ... 

Terrible Thursday ...

we have these days from time to time ... I have them most of the time ... still I hope to get on with it once I acclimatise to the latest set backs ... and a set of new environments ... and new dismays ... my sis wanted to know how my start of English went today ... even though it is our night off from each other speaking on the phone ... but it was too much to do so ... of which my family are the first to let me come to terms with things in the way they are also learning; with the way I am now ...

Fluctuating ..

Sunday out .. Monday in .. Tuesday Out .. but missed Computer Studies .. Wednesday in the dark 

Fluctuating days; depressive times are upon me ... and not the fact that it is raining or windy or the longer evenings.  The fact is it is nearly a year since our Dad passed away. And the fateful time line in a September after the failed mulit-agency meeting that so lead to the undeniable events; that would change the course of our lives dramatically ...  

A Son Husband and Father who only again recently ... who is now not here to speak for himself; been bad mouthed yet again by a professional ... not good ... who do not know us ...

It is disrespectful ... no-one with mental health is bad ... 

I have noticed that in my own care ... we are not bad ... we are ill ... unwell ... call it what you like .. but we are not bad people ... 

Shown no interest ...

... for 48 hours ... in the outside world ... I have had some subdued hours ... to work though emotions ... left from those crisis days ... and making plans to have an ice cream in the park; before they shut down for the season ... 

I also leave some shopping items to help to get out ... it does not always work ... I adapt ... however, I do require the perpetual fresh necessities we all need; to sustain life ...

A Progressive Day ...

... keeping on top of the refuse and recycle that is perpetual. I have done this and progressively stocked up the freezer. I am patiently waiting for the repairs on the broken down chill cabinets in Aldi to finish the freezer top up of meals. 

And not until the evening today, did I venture out; at a time when the commuters are picking up shopping and flowers and staff going to work the evening/night shifts ... And many people still going home laden with armfuls of shopping. You do not see many shopping trolleys this time of day; such is the pattern of human nature.

The early morningers, the end of working dayers and all in between. The beauty of recovery, I get to see all parts of the day at present; until I too am, once again, in the grindstone of life again.

Briefly ... One Day ... Breakfast Another ... And ... In And and Out ... not Once ...

... but twice the very next day ... Concentration levels are fluctuating even with the fresh air. Apart from the memories and staring into space a tad, in dealing with these things running around in my mind ... I did finally get to pick up my parcel on Tuesday that I missed last week. 

For my English studies I found out a quality pen to make note taking more enjoyable. I still have yet to get used to paper clutter; I so detest now, to enable me to study. All the perpetual conflicts now a part of this life left now...

I enjoyed the breakfast out that I had planned for this week. My cousin had helped me initially to get used to the hustle and bustle of being out after the initial crisis and passing of my husband and I had started to go out very occasionally on my own after that; to eat a meal out. Unfortunately I have not done this since my Dad had complications from his illness and eventually he too passed away. I have not been out on my own since. It is well over a year or so. My concept of time is still sketchy.

I have not only done the usual putting of refuse and recycle out to keep on track ... I have taken the unnecessary items (still left from the complex hoarding situation of not one ... but two homes ...and all life trials that exacerbated these events) ... to the charity shops.

To go out and in like it is second nature; is such a challenge still. 

Unless you have been in the situation we faced. It is hard for some to understand how much of a challenge it is to re-adapt from that unrelenting time we had; in what was to be the final time of my late husbands life. 

The Sun Did Not Even Tempt ...

me on the third day of being in ... no rubbish out to the bin stores or outside to wipe down the other side of the kitchen window. 

The windows at the back were flung open. I had been exercising while doing the cleaning, consequently the energy levels were a bit better.  I also took the frustrations of recent life and times out on scrubbing down some of the kitchen. And cleaning the window and all that area too to make it all smell better. 

It can get so dank with the clutter; not good for the well being. 

I finished the day with a luxuriating bath and wound down the day with some of the things I love doing. 

And I require fresh milk and fresh bread. I do have long life milk and bread in the freezer. Tomorrow I need to collect a parcel; I missed last week. And I will need my meds.

Conflicts

both the feelings of lack of experiencing the outside and being a prisoner to the clutter ...

A lot for one person from those days to this ...

And no more explaining with the mouth since that Thundery Thursday

And let hope it doesn't **** me

Police in the Park

September 1st 2015

First time here for a few weeks and it was drizzling.  I have not really been out much since my Saturday walk that took a circular route to see different aspects of what is outside that door. The quiet route to town going through the town centre, walking in two parks of the town passing a catholic church. I also passed my temporary accommodation that was home for three months ... walking along lanes and home via footpaths. 

But then if I look back; that will tell me different ... I think I was in and out one day, like I did long ago. I definitely not been out today ... And I believe I went out late morning yesterday to post some letters and picked up some shopping.

   

Adapting to social change ...

Timeless ... but change too ..
Dartford Co-op in Kent
2015

that is taken for granted as you live it ... step out of society for a long while and there is such change.

Among some of the timelessness is a great alteration ... the change of shops in the high street or shopping centres. The talking self scans and other electronic changes. The aero dynamics of certain items ... including cars and buses and lorries etc

Electronic books and other devices being used instead of books at times. 

Modernisation of companies the sleekness or not in some of the ugly artificial designs of some buildings.

This only scratches the surface of what I faced after being enclosed with difficult circumstances. The fresh air wafting over the whole of your being the first time is the most sensational feeling ... and touch is only one sense of many ...

Winding down for a pleasant evening now ...

... putting a potato in the oven to bake in a minute ... in a dipped mood ... so stayed in ... would not be good company today ... at least dealt with a trigger problem that occurred today myself ... and being Lord of all he surveys today ... continuing on from ... one Thundery Thursday in August ...

Looking forward to having my planned activity out tomorrow or Friday ... I strived to do over the Bank Holiday and did not ... despite a trigger point tomorrow ... sis said no reason still not to enjoy doing it ...

supposed to have gone out again by now ...

... to start winding down the day ... I was carried away with both doing what used to be my Friday housework along with some clearing of unnecessary items ... and the an area not touched yet with so much going on in my life juggling clearing another property ... spending time with my family when I was much needed to support Dad through his recovery from surgery and spending time with him before he was to pass away ... nearly a year ago ... now ... let alone my own grief and recovery and so much more ... 

We are in his month of passing now ... along with events of an unbearable three month period to the lead up of my late husbands death too ... a few years back and still painful ... until it is rectified ... and I can move on ...

This September I will be starting my English ... at last ... back to my life ... 

Study day ... and Drizzle ...

... and after a few weeks break from the Computer Studies ... gently eased myself back in .. I have slowed in the amount of exercises I do per session probably more to do in each exercise as you go ... learnt 15 new segments so far ... it is very much worth doing ... makes everything fit together that had been self taught ... 

...hoping to go out again later ... both daughter and I are uneasy about something ... personal ... because of the way her Mum and Dad were treated which gives us feelings we both do not like ...and for me as a Mum I obviously don't like any more distress to our daughter at the best of times ... tons of reassuring words and advice ... she knows how it is for me ... so both in the same boat ...  the legacy of being shunned ... it reduced my late hubby to tears towards the end ... he was so ill ... he could not cope ... more words of reassurance then ... given out bucket loads ... and had reassurance ... back too ... some just do not understand Mental Health problems is just as serious as physically health problems ...